Summer's Rain

Here I am, just got here, sure there was a couple of things to do, but procrastination helped delay my arrival. Maybe I didn't want to be here, It;s strange, you always see your parents as strong people who took care of you, and took care of your children, yet there she is, lying down, looking weak, and helpless, her big head of read hair now just a couple of silver strands, her hello barely audible, it might as well be someone else's voice, a room away. What do I do? What can I say? She wants some water, there's a mug, with a straw, its not a bendy straw... those are so much easier... I help her take a drink, the lights are off, I can't see the water in the white mug, she signals she can't get any water, I understand, I try get the position right... so many variables, the mug, the straw, the water, the angle, What if I spill it? What if I can't help her? Why is this so difficult? How come I can do this with my son but cant do it with my mom. Oh he's not sick... but the principal is the same, isnt it? The room is still dark, it been raining a few hours, rain and thunder, not that heavy rain that you can smell coming, that you can hear and feel, and know will wash your sadness away, just the rain that dribbles on and on, that when you drive, you can't see be cause it just dirties up your screen, blurring your vision, making you doubt yourself.

Her breathing is erratic, sometimes long deep breaths, sometimes short huffing breaths, she drops back into a sleep and I sit there in the dark figuratively and literally. I thought of putting together a photomosaic of Kimi and her, and take out my notebook and browse through the photos, there's not that many of her and Kimi, not that there was never that Kodak moment, but I'm not a big believer in cameras and photos. Ive always wanted to be part of the action, have the memories in my head, remember how I felt and not just sample a slice of time for relative infinity. It been a while tho, just as I have forgot the face of a few 'old friends', i still remember how I felt at the time. I'm trying to think, I'm trying to remember what she looked liked with hair, its beyond me now, she looks like what she looks like, because where she is now, who am I to remember her only for her better days, Maybe this is the moment that should be remembered, how I feel right now. I guess that's why you and I are here.... but why can't we be somewhere else? somewhere better? somewhere happier? My only answer can be because we are here now, the moment you are in is really all that exist. All slices of discreet time that can be captured with a camera and the only thing connecting these slices is the butter and jam, neoplasmic energy of what we can sense, that continues to exits throughout time, regardless of what it looked like, looks like and will look like. I like butter and jam..... and I haven't met anyone who doesn't, especially on a day like this.