Not Guilty!

Had a eureka moment earlier today, well eureka isn't the right word for it, but I cant figure out the word, even though I've checked the thesaurus. Now I like to consider myself a bit of an empath, I can 'feel' other peoples feelings, whether they are sad. happy, concerned, whatever.
So I cry at sad movies, and weddings and funerals because I absorb the overwhelming emotion, captured and channelled within that moment. Yet at times I don't feel anything, and one of these feelings include guilt. So you can say I live a guilt free life, which when you think about it that's a pretty good way to live. Actions are driven by logical decisions, and if I can justify it to myself, it doesn't worry me. I don't need to feel bad about ANYTHING!
However its a fine line against living guilt free and being a psychopath.... think about it, I can justify hacking someone up and putting them in a fridge and not feel guilty.. Ohh thats scary even for me!
So where do I draw the line? Whose line is it anyway. I think this is the struggle within myself, everything I do has to be analyzed, cause and effect, right and wrong, strategy and draw my own line. So I figured this is the curse of the empath, by having to filter every feeling that's coming at them, so only essential and critical feelings are felt, have to filter their own feelings too. So whenever I screw up, sure its my fault, but I still say I'm not guilty. So there!

0811301445

Bye mom!

waiting for the wrong answer

Back in KL now, thank god I took Shahrul along, slept all the way to Taiping and half of the way back.  Everyone has settled in and is sleeping, Theres a patrol car driving up and down my street, I wonder what for? I can't tell if my mum is sleeping or awake, her eyes are like they are open, but there is no response, what if she's cold, or hot? Now is just the waiting. 

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Not long but still far to go

So back in KL, imigration was so easy, had some chicken rice on the way back before heading to my dad's house.  Mom isn't doing to well, her breathing is heavy, and sometimes stops.  I know its not long now, I still need to head to Taiping, hope she'll still be around when I come back.  Kimi's breaking up on the phone, he can't stop crying, maybe he's just absorbing the sadness or maybe its about something else.

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Time to Go

Had to cut my trip short, I'm a bit dissapointed that I was unable to complete what I was sent there to do, but I am pretty confident my team can handle it as long as they practice, I knew this day was coming, and was just hoping that it wouldnt be while I was away.  I got the news that my mom had a few days left, if lucky a week and a bit. So I got an SIA flight down to SG and am now in the boarding area for my flight to KL.  SIA on-line booking is absolutely awesome and to be honest I cant say I miss France,  I was a total mess most of the way, almost breaking down when I was checking in to the SIA flight at Paris-CDG, knowing that I was on my way home and had made the flight I booked only hours earlier.

The flight wasnt bad, it was a lot of falling in and out of sleep, drinking, eating and peeing and watching a couple of movies. So I'm almost home, I would be releived under other circumstances, but I still have to pick up the family in Taiping, and then just keep waiting for the day when I say goodbye to my mother.  I don't know how I'm going to feel, I'm sure I can stick my head in the sand during the arrangements, keeping my head full and my hands busy, but what about after that? What about those minutes where you find yourself alone, even in a crowd of people, like right now.  Flight is boarding, time to go.

Its not all glamour

I'm in the Formule 1 hotel, though glamarous as it may sound, its not, with seperate showers and toilets, its my place to stay for the next three days.  Its cold in the room, though the radiator is on high and I think that the flu I had which I never completely recovered from is coming back. Had some microwave rice for dinner which I can only describe as 'tastes like cat biscuits' so I finnally settled for a choco bar for dinner. I'm guessing it's more of the same tomorrow, to be honest I can't wait to leave here, unfortunately I have 10 days more. I don't know, maybe when I change hotels again on Friday it will be better, I doubt so. Oh well, may the cup be half full.

Not under the bridge

Good news and bad news, the good news is.... we got our hotels, the bad news is.... we got our hotels, after worrying all night, and not liking the thought of leaving for Amsterdam then Malaysia due to having nowhere to stay, we will be moving to the F1 Hotel, and continuing work tomorrow, pictures of course to follow.  So looks like we'll be here at least to the 5th. oh well, work is work and a man got to do what a man got to do, no matter how cold or tired he is.  

Finally got some chicken beriyani and Indian tea today, belly nice and full, and took a bus back from the restaurant to Rue de Navel, which has nothing to do with belly buttons.  So new things everyday, hopefully this weekend can finally get some decent shoes looking a bit like a vagabond with a suit and sneakers, well hiking shoes really, well at least I'll not be sleeping under a bridge.

Confirmed...Subject to Availability

In Brest, France right now, and let's say its a bit confusing, having to learn some basic french el pronto, or should I say rapide.  I'll be kicked out of my hotel tomorrow, as they are full, and may not be able to get another one and have no idea where I'll be spending the night tomorrow.  I'm a bit tired, and it's very cold.  Well maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Its very strange though as we had 'First Class' tickets on the TGV from Paris to Brest, but they were 'only if seats available'. I mean fine if its cattle class, but on First Class, you really do expect to have a seat.

I hate haters

I haven't blogged in a while, this was due to the fact that the blog was commented on by a hater, I'm sure I had a run in with the same guy on some forum, cause he was pointed out for lack of forum decorum and netiquette, and decided to get his revenge here.  At first I was of two minds whether to let the comments stay or to remove, I'm all for free speech and everything but it is 'my' blog and this guy didnt know me.

It wasnt that he was rude or sweared a lot, and some things taken in contect and if he was a good friend, I might actually find funny, but the rule we should live by on the internet should be, and I got this from TWiT, that you should only comment on a blog what you would say if that person sat beside you, so all this kind of put me off blogging for a while.

I had already decided to restart again, but as ususal procrastination put me off, but I'm in a taxi travelling from Cartagena to Alicante, using Qumana, which is a free offline blogging tool, which means I can write when I'm offline, when and where I want to.  Now just in case you get confused, the last post before this one was this one, there may be a few ones that appear to be in between them but, thats because they are written retroactively.

Anyway Ive got nothing against negative comments, sure I can agree that this is all nothing more than incessant ramblings of me, so if I think you would say it to my face then I'll probably keep it, and with all the things wrong with this world there really is no room for negativity and hate, which is why I really hate haters.

IA BBQ 2008

Was time for the IA annual BBQ, instead of having it at a house we, well rather I decided to have it in Ulu Langat, it's just off our usual Kuala Kelawang route which means we can have a run back, unfortunately by being at a restaurant means we have a fixed time, which has itself its own Pros and Cons, so anyway the restaurant is Cafe Lui which happens to belong to and run by the family of old school friends and neighbours, who I was reacquaintanced with, only a few weeks prior.

Heres the photos from the BBQ, well at least my photos, for others you can check out the IA site or the IA Facebook site.

Nokia N93i from the point of view of a Canon Ixus 80IS

Houston! We have a problem...

Life was good, finances were getting better, debt was down, baby on the way, check was good, err wait a minute, Houston! we have a problem!... oops wife had to check in to Ampang Putri for observation and to get her hemoglobin levels up. She was on the phone, I was bored, tried a few camera tricks.





Theres more where that came from, but I'll save that for a rainy day, oh and I really dread Ampang Putri, its busy, expensive and the service sucks like a Dyson, though I really would love one of those, definitely looks like it belongs in space.

2 is now 3 and the party pack arms race.

Kimi had his belated birthday party at his nursery, he is now 3. Before he came along I could never imagine my life with kids, now that he's here I could never imagine my life without him, and since the flavour of the season is Ultraman of course he would want an Ultraman Cake. This was ordered a week in an advance, wasn't so lucky with the party packs though, had to shop for them that very morning, I can't understand why but I'm so competitive at those, if a parent hands out 2 bar Kit Kats, I remember that and make sure I get a four bar one, or even up the ante and get a Snickers Bar. Luckily I have noticed that after a previous escalation, things have been scaled back for a while, so this year should be a breeze. Its also a wonder how much he has changed since his last birthday. My dad said he was jealous that I could be his best friend and also his dad too, well lets just say that effort was effortless, creating party packs that mean something and that kids drop their jaws at every item pulled out of the bag? thats hard work, but the satisfaction in priceless. Pictures explain it all. Surprisingly the Ultraman Cake was pretty good too!

320=298

Just picked up a Maxtor 320GB drive, except its actually a 298GB drive...can't they just call it a 298GB drive, after all who is going to use the disk unformatted? oh well I lost 20GB, my first hard disk was 20MB..... How times have changed. Its pretty good, I'm transferring all my media files to this, and will use the 160GB just to hold movies to be played on the Mac Mini. Also the net has been pretty fast today.... I wonder why....

1000 kilometers

Well almost! Just came back from a round trip drive to Taiping, left at just before 6 got there at just after 9pm. Slept for a few hours then drove back, now with family in tow. I still can't believe I arrived back in KL at sunrise. Daym, that was a long drive. Went straight to bed and woke up at 12.

NH4NO3 + Al2(SO4)3

I can't stand it anymore, it's everywhere, burned into my physce. It follows me everywhere, it's on my hands, on my clothes, in my nose, making me feel sick and nauseous, making me hate and despise what I shouldn't.
Will it ever go away? Can it go away? Will this be the memory marker, triggering associated memories forever? I hope not yet I think so. I can handle all bar this. It permeates, overwhelmes, and overtakes. Everything it touches takes on it's rotten persona destroying what was once good.

A day off

I had a day off today, a real day off. 24 hours of unadulterated me time. No kids, no work, no wife, no hospitals, no phone, no internet, no email, no anything and no nothing.
It felt really really good. Pity it has to end, but any more would be irresponsible. Like that time I had an earthquake at Svenson's. Now just in case you have never been to a Svenson's or understand the connection to catacalysmic natural disasters measured in Reichters, an earthquake is 21 scoops of different flavours. I thought I could eat it and I did eat it and finish it, the greedy bastard that I am.
Luckily I was tweenager at the time, so it worked off pretty quickly.
Some things we must do to stay sane. Taking a day off did it for me. I even had some ice cream. It was a very good day.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Oh thanks boo_licious for the image, check out her blog here

The wheels on the bus go round and round

We were doddling around the hospital relaxing and chatting with my mum, when we realised that we were late for the bus, well I wasn't late, I wasn't getting on the bus, the other half and kimi were going back to her kampung for raya, so I could spend and commit time with my mum, Kimi's never been on a bus, so was a little exited. Cars, trains, planes and boats...all been there done that for him, now was the time for his first bus ride.
We werent watching the clock, or rather not watching it very well when we realised we had about 7 minutes to get from HUKM to Pudu Raya. Got everyone strapped in, and asked the wife, how bad she wanted to catch the bus, I got the OK, maxed out the rev meter from HUKM, through the SMART tunnel, Jalan Ampang, sped through town, avoiding pedestrians and other cars by centimeters, I could see the fear on the faces crossing the road, as i went sideways through junctions in the centre of KL, engine revving, tyres screeching. Using the horn would faze my concentration as I threaded my way, running red lights and avoiding cars coming from left and right.
Parked with two minutes to spare, carried Kimi across the road to Pudu Raya, using the large luggage bag as a shield as cars came towards me. Went down the platform, the sound of the diesel buses, the people shouting, the smoke, Kimi hugged me tight and said "Daddy, I'm scared", so I told the wife to find her bus, and I turned my attention to Kimi to calm him down, second later I was running towards my wife as she signalled her found bus, we scrambled on board, only for the bus driver to tell us we'd be leaving 20 minutes late. So I handed my wife the secret Kimi survival pack containing his favourite (yet healthy) snacks and drinks and toys, claiming that she wouldn't need it, took it hesitantly, spent the next 10 minutes, playing peekaboo at the bus window, pretending to be a dinosaur attacking the bus, and other stuff. Iwas a little teary eyed, as the bus moved away and could see him mouth "Daddy!, I want my daddy!", he left me, he's gone, now I have to change my focus, be with mom, but guess who was a happy boy?

and he finished his survival pack too. I guess the wheels on the bus of life really do go round and round

Empty Rooms

I've always hated Raya, everyone leaves during Raya, the hospital is empty too, seeing the empty corridors just reminds me on how empty and alone each of us really are when facing our own demons. Maybe I'll make an effort this year or the next, see my cousins, aunts uncles, nieces and nephews. This raya in HUKM, next raya in KL, will be sending everyone back on the bus for Raya so I can dedicate my time to my mum.

A Tropical Paradise in unchartered waters

Had to drive up to Lumut again for another meeting. I was determined to do something a little different this time, I just didn't know what.
I've probably driven to Lumut more than 100 times. I stop at the same places and eat at the same places. I've seen the road change many times and noticed all the new things that happen along the route.
On the way there I decided to make a quick detour. I remember seeing an Alfa 33 at a used car dealer and wanted to check it out. Sure I saw it many moons ago but decide to just take a chance anyway. Well the 33 wasn't there but there was an Alfa GTV sprint, It was in a condition that I can describe as looking it's age, and at Rm15k it wasn't a bargain you couldn't walk away from.
Got to Manjung and proceeded to buy lunch. It's so strange that the food is bungkused in black plastic bags. I mean what is it supposed to be? Maybe I walked in to a restaurant and walked out with a couple of DVD's?
So got through the meeting with the constant worry that things would fall through and finished with sometime to spare before dinner. Headed of to Billion which was having a sale, picked up a few things for Kimi and me and headed back to the Manjung office to kill some time before buka puasa, was hoping to get to Ah Choon's to get some crispy kalamari but it was closed, at which time I just decide to head back to KayEl and hope to find somewhere useful to eat along the way.
For years and years I remember always passing a restaurant near the Bidor toll, and always telling myself to check out. In the desert of bad food, this place, aptly named Coconut Island, is an oasis of good cooking and fresh ingredients. I'll update soon enough, hopefully with photos as i'll be back there soon.

Photos update

drip drip drop

At the hospital tonight, just waiting on the drip to run out and be there if need be, its hard being here, its hard seeing your parent falling down a slippery slope, and you having to take care of them, not difficult physically, while draining, it's just hard, coz you can't imagine that this is the way its supposed to be. Well where there is light... there is hope, unfortunately darkness lives on the edge of the light.

Babainanabrades

Well, at least that's what kimi said. My mom's two closest brothers, travelled here a few weeks ago, just to spend time with their sister, my mom.
Usually we would take them around, Langkawi, Pangkor, Tioman, etc. but that wasn't why they were here. They were here unknown to them to most probably say their goodbyes. It seemed surreal at first, while they were hugging and kisssing, my mom bawling her eyes out, but I guess she knew.
It was silent in the car halfway to the airport, and them we started to chat about mundane things like cars, tolls and airplanes like men do. We talked all through parking, check-in, and waiting..
Then their flight opened on the screen, it was time to go. The conversation turned to what was unsaid, with what being implied being heard.
So goodbye and have a nice flight, if we meet again, things will probably be different, no matter which way the pendulum swings. It is as they say... an end of an era, without the need to say it.

ixus 80 missus

Bought a Canon Ixus 80IS as a surprise belated birthday present for the missus, in pretty pink too, got it at Ampang Park from a dude who's been there for ages and always as good deals, so from a list of RM999 I got it down to RM896, while adding a 4GB High Speed SD Card, a leather pouch and a few other interesting accessories. She liked it very much, it's so much fun to see the look on her face when she's suprised and happy.
Sure theres an 85IS and a 90IS but the reviews online seem to point to their predecessor being better, something about too many pixels on the CCD

heres the camera from the view of a N93i


and some test photos